One wee year

Our son Javid died one year ago today.

We’ve been dreading this day. It hurts like hell to bump a scab, then recoil from the shock and pain. But to have time to watch the blow descend and to wince in anticipation. Worse.

Now it’s here, and it does hurt. And should. And will. Today, tomorrow, next year and the next.

This day last year was the cruelest day of our lives, a day with teeth bared and claws extended to rip and gouge and tear. And scar. A year later the wound of his absence remains angry and red and painful to touch.

It was also a day wrapped in other days, weeks, months–and now finally, a year–that carved a quiet lesson into the bones of our lives. The lesson is that we are not alone, neither in our sorrow nor in our celebration. In all of this there are others who reach toward us, who walk beside, who brace from behind and who bend down to raise us up.

And so the flavors commingle. Sweet and sour. Gratitude and grief.

We miss you, little boy. We miss all the exquisite pains and pleasures you brought to our lives. But mostly we just miss being able to be with you, to touch you and to hold you. It was never even nearly enough.

To all the rest who have offered us so much and asked for so little, just this: We honor you in our thoughts, we hold you in our hearts. And, always, we give you our thanks.

6 Responses to “One wee year”

  1. David Lapp Says:

    We miss you Javid.

  2. Gregg, Pam & Alex Says:

    Always remember how loved you are, and how your strength and wisdom inspires us. We carry with us a warm and safe place for your sweet Javid.

    Love, Gregg, Pam, Alex, etc.

  3. Matt, Chan, Addyson, and Aeron Says:

    What a wonderful entry to remember such a wonderful little boy. Know that we are thinking of you extra hard today! What a gift he was. We love you so much.
    Matt, Chan, Addyson, and Aeron

  4. GranPaul Yoder Says:

    I thought many times today and remembered Javid and the tough day you two had last year. No words can describe the feelings for that little boy. We still miss you, Javid!

  5. abby Says:

    Our condolences. We remember this particular milestone well. Last June 28th–the anniversary of our loss of Olivia–was very hard. Our thoughts are with you guys.

    Abby, Sharon, and Hallie